I think I should've purged all of the alcohol in my system when I still had the chance. Now my stomachs making all sort of noises right now. I was still feeling sick this morning before heading to work too. I woke up 15 minutes before I had to leave so I felt really rushed and didn't get to eat breakfast. My stomach was killing me.

I really didn't want to go to work today. Knowing I was going to see him and everyone else who only knows his side of the story. I just kept telling myself to pull myself together and just do my job.

But it was really exhausting to be honest. Trying to make it seem like everything was okay for me. And plus today was so busy since a lot of businesses are closed tomorrow, so everyone's going out today. I felt like I was going to faint.

Each night since, I think since we started having disputes, I've been going to bed so late. Like around 2:30-4 in the morning just thinking about everything. And I would still dream about him too each night. I really miss him. But I really need to forget. We didn't talk at all to each other today, and we barely made any eye contact. We did briefly but continued doing what we were supposed to do.. It was really sad. 

Maybe last night was a sign that I should have just stayed home and reflected on everything. I went to the bar last night with a couple of friends, hoping to get my mind off of my ex but instead I had to deal with a little bit of drama that I wasn't intended on getting myself involved with. It was with my friend who wanted to take me out too. She saw me speaking with her ex, and got angry with me. She misunderstood what was going on. She was intoxicated, and thought something else was going on between me and her ex. He was the one to say hello to me and we just started talking. The base of the conversation was her and what he should do to get her back because he loved her. I was just trying to give him some advice. But yeah, when I approached her after I finished talking to him, she just fled off somewhere with her godbrother who...I can't even begin talking about...I barely know him, but already I didn't like him. Even my other friend who stayed by my side all night warned me about her godbrother and that he was really obnoxious. Maybe I shouldn't have had that conversation with my friends ex, but I don't know. The two of them were dancing, sharing drinks, hugging, so I thought everything was all good. Whatever. I'm really not in the mood. I won't be going out with her again. She even left me and my other friend stranded at the bar. It was a good thing my friend called her boyfriend, who is also my cousin, because he drove us home safely.

I didn't mix well with my old high school friends either last night.

I did dance with a guy though. But it was really empty. My ex coworker tried to hook us up. But no, the both of us weren't really interested. And as I danced with him, I couldn't help but feel...uncomfortable, and grossed out. Not by him (he was really cute), but by my own actions. I was not ready to be dancing with another guy yet. I just became single on Monday and it was just too soon.

It was weird to see my ex coworker there though last night since it was so long since we last seen each other. We had some drinks together, and after both of us parted ways and went home we were still texting one another and he eventually called me. We spoke for a long time about a lot of stuff. Both of us were really drunk and we needed to just vent about our problems. It was nice to see him again, but I can't really see him as anything else but a friend, and not even a close one at that. He's just not my type.

Staying home and focusing on the more important things in life like my responsibilities is probably the best remedy to extinguish all my negative feelings and thoughts in me right now.

It sucks because at the end of the night, I just lay in my bed feeling more lonely than ever and missed Tony so much.

But I really need to stay strong and remember the many reasons why Tony and I will never end up happily. I can't continue to think bad things towards him, so I just wish him all the best in what he does..

p.s. I hate Republic now. It was there that I experimented with rave drugs which resulted in a long term of emotional strain. The place I last partied with my ex. And now, the place I got ditched and accused of by who I thought was a truthful friend. No more.

Daily Horoscope

"Your emotional state is a bit fragile right now, which doesn’t leave you feeling all that enthused — but you can at least get a better sense of what’s really driving you. Make a note of it!"

Couple Horoscope.

"A loss now might result in truly fantastic gains down the road. It’s time for you and your honey to ask why you’re holding onto something so tightly. Keep your eyes on the long-term prize. This, too, shall pass."

Yeah, enjoy reading astrological fortunes... and it's even better when they make sense and relate to your situation. 

The stars are in my favor today. And the moon is full~ Can't let one pointless issue rain on my parade. 

Tried to make things work today with him but he failed tonight because he forgot my birthday. And tried to make up for it by buying me dessert from 711. 

Now thats some douchbaggery if I ever saw one. 

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! *^_________^*

My 19th was bad but this year beats it. I'm finding this all too ridiculous, unbelievable, that it's all like a comedy for me right now. I don't know how to react properly to what just happened because it's just so inexcusable. 

The good, my confusion and efforts on making what was once our relationship work, is gone. I can see clearly now that he's a total douche.

I have my close buddies and my cousins rooting for me and wishing me a great birthday. LOVE THEM ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the things that have been going on with me right now have not been recorded in anyway so far and have just been shared with the people who are close and dear to me. I feel I should probably include it here on Xanga with all of my other life experiences but this is still in the process of resolving itself so it isn't the right time yet. I just feel so overwhelmed with all the thinking. I think so much about everything now it's making me worried that I might be going crazy. I want to blame the drugs, but a part of me is telling me that I've just become too needy of a person because of this relationship. I became the paranoid psycho girlfriend that I feared of becoming. I really need to chill out. Always feeling agitated too by small things. I'm just so exhausted and frustrated. It's like my head is being suffocated and it can't just take in a deep breath and chill.

I should've known that this relationship wasn't good from the start. Too many differences and it all happened too fast too soon. We fought like an old couple with Alzheimer's. It just doesn't make any sense sometimes and fights shouldn't have been fought. 

I talked to Olivia, Melissa, Stephanie, and my Cousin about everything. And all of them say I should just move on because I'm obviously really unhappy and stressed out to the max. 

But being away from him is stressing me out too. I feel like I can't do anything on my own anymore since I was so used to him doing stuff for me/with me. It's so much the opposite of how I was before the relationship. I used to be so independent and really care free about life and was always so positive. For example, I fail a test "Meh, that sucks but I'll do better next time." Now: "OMG I failed my quiz! I'll never be able to get into my program now!..I need A's A's A's!!" *sigh* 

So much pressure from school, him, his family, my family, myself into being the best I can be. But I'm trying so hard to be the best that I feel I'm losing myself in the process. So much to consider. 

Just ship me to a tropical island so I can just relax...catch some rays...vitamin D to help perk up my mood...Anything to make me feel at peace with my self again.

Inhale...exhale....Things will be okay. I'm turning 21 tomorrow. Going to be embarking on a new journey. Just another stage in life that is about to end, another one about to start. Staying positive. 

I'm awkward 

Tonight I'm a wreck. I went to school late to study for my final. It was pretty productive despite being totally distracted with other thoughts. After studying I went to get some decaf coffee from Tim hourtons. I'm starting to think it wasn't decaf because I'm feeling a little wired right now but maybe it's just all in my head. Then I went to watch 'Your Highness' by myself. I thought it would help prove to myself that I could handle watching a movie on my own buy I honestly felt really awkward and anxious. Maybe it was the coffee. Or maybe because the movie was really bad. What a waste of $10. Also spent $5 on popcorn which I spilled half of before the movie even started. I headed to shoppers then gas station and arrived home around 12. I guess hanging out by myself just feeds my misery of being single. I know hanging out with my friends and family will help me cope with the break up. But right now, I don't really feel like forgetting about him. Efforts on trying to just makes me feel a whole lot worse. I miss him.. Really pathetic, I know. I was the one to break it off to because I was too afraid of settling.

I've become someone I've always feared of becoming.

There are little fragments of memories from my childhood that will often pop up in my mind out of nowhere; even after 15 years of existing on this planet. You would think that in that time all the memories I had obtained would have been long forgotten. But, quite frankly, my long term memory is actually quite outstanding. I really don't know how I'm able to remember such things in great detail. I could just be sitting down, doing my homework, when all of a sudden I'll remember a moment in my life, when I was like 5, and clearly remember every little thing and just be able to see it so vividly like it just happened a week ago.

Just a few days ago I remembered watching a movie when I was younger that really scared the shits out of me. I could still recall what happened in one particular scene where some guy with glasses pushed a lady - incidentally or accidentally, I don't really remember - down a long flight of stairs and presumably she died from it. The man then went over to a phone to call for help. While he was doing that you could see in the background that the woman was lying at the foot of the stairs but she was moving in a very eery way. One leg went up and she slowly started to bring the rest of her body up and walked awkwardly toward the man whose back was turned away from her. As she came closer to the screen you were able to see more clearly that her head had been twisted all the way around. So her head was facing the man, but her body itself was walking backwards. And then she tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "You pushed my down the stairs." That scene bothered me so much! And I was so young back then to even know what the movie was called. I don't even think my parents were really watching it, it was just on t.v. at the time.

I'm getting this all from what I remember and it only occurred to me recently that I look up that infamous line, "You pushed me down the stairs." on Google or Imdb, movie quotes, to see which movie it was that has left a deep impression on me; deep enough for me to remember one short scene after 15 years of seeing it. 

I looked it up today and found out it was the movie "Death Becomes Her", starring Meryl Streep, Bruce Willis, and Goldie Han. Discovering this now made me feel like, Wow, this is an actual movie! and not just a memory that I might have maybe mixed up with a dream. Throughout my life that scene would always revisit my mind and I would always question which movie it came from. It was probably one of the biggest questions I've ever had to ponder with and now it has finally been answered.

I think at one point, maybe when I was in Junior high, I thought that the line that was said was "I've fallen, and I can't get up." So I Googled that, but ended up with a commercial for medical alarms for seniors. Which was totally off from what it actually was. lol

It's funny how I can remember things from long ago, but easily forget things after 10 seconds in present time. Oh~ how the mind works!

Death Becomes Her (1992)

Also a scene that I remember that freaked me out was when Goldie Han was sitting in her bed and looks into a pocket mirror and sees her face being all demented and scary looking. I'm pretty sure it's from this movie too because I can see now that the face I remember seeing before looks a lot like Goldie Hans'. It was pretty disturbing..lol. I'm going to watch this movie now for the first time since I was 5 and finally get an understanding and some closure from this movie to answer my old childhood queries.