My ex just called me and asked if I wanted to go with him to Minneapolis tomorrow for the weekend. I couldn't give him an answer since it was such short notice so I said I'd think about it. After I hung up I told my mom and she absolutely said no.

My mom was like, "When did he last call you?
Me: "Two days ago. Yeah, He didn't call me at all yesterday.."
Mom: "See, he only remembered you because he needs you to go on that trip with him. Don't go, he's not a good guy. You don't even know where your relationship is standing right now. You have to be smart."

It's true. The only way he can go to the states is if I go with him. He can't travel on his own because his English is limited and I know the way there too so he needs me there to act as his guide.

So I called him back after maybe a minute and told him I couldn't go.

T: "Why?"
Me: "I have to wait on calls for work.."
T: "But that's why we're going on the weekend. They won't call during the weekend. I need a vacation right now, if I don't I'll just go crazy from working all the time. If you're not coming with me, I'm going to Toronto next week."
Me: "I can't go!" (Not so much exclamation there, just said it in a very stern way.)
T: "Okay okay, calm down."
Me: "I am calm."
T: "Okay then, bye."

???? Whatever. I'm going to play some games.

The weather has been pretty gloomy lately and temperatures aren't showing much potential to rise. I feel like summer isn't even going to make it this year. It has been cold for so long that I've just learned to deal with it. How it's affecting my mood isn't fun though. I want some sun at least to give me some Vitamin D.

I've been feeling more stressed now because I'm unemployed and just sitting at home most of the time. I've been applying non stop for jobs online but I don't feel confident that I'll land a good job and have to settle for something less. I just had a recorded interview over the phone today which felt a little weird. It was my first time having to deal with that. I think I did poorly because I let the awkwardness take over me. Hopefully they give me a chance anyway.

It sucks because I've noticed that I'm not as confident and collected as I used to be. Like, I feel like I can't talk sometimes and just feel really stupid during interviews. I blank out and not know what I should say. It's probably the nerves because I haven't had a job interview for more than 3 years. And I don't want to say it, but I think my English deteriorated after dating foreign guys...hahah.

I really don't want to say I'm depressed, but sometimes I feel really low and hopeless. The old me would slap me back to reality and just forget all my problems and just go on with what I have to do. But it's so hard for me to do that now.

Breaking up with Tony, if we really are broken up (we're still talking), was hard at first but then I felt like I was really moving on after the second week. I wasn't as sad but I still felt like something was missing from me. I mean, he had been part of my life for the past two years. We experienced a lot together. He saw me at my weakest and everything. He took care of me when I needed him to. But yeah...I don't really know what to do with him. It's so confusing. We're only friends still. Got close to going back with him, but I resisted. I don't feel like I need to call him or anything anymore. Actually, the tables have turned and he's the one who's always trying to contact me now. Just don't want to end things off badly.

Hm. What else. I'm just glad I'm able to still jot down my thoughts and experiences on here. Xanga, if you ever died I don't know what I'd do...I'd better get all of my blog entries sent back to me somehow because I'd want to look back on them in the next 10 years maybe.

My Ex's name was Tony, and actually The Other Night Y?

Last night Stephanie and I were planning on hanging out together. I thought it was going to be a little awkward since we experienced some mild drama last weekend. But I guess we got passed that and just focused on enjoying our night.

Janet had sold us tickets to her Dentistry Fundraiser/Social so we went there first. We arrived 30 minutes before the event was over. Still had time to enjoy some dry steak and tasteless veggies. Saw a bunch of our Asian friends from high school. The boys were "dueling" upstairs away from everyone else which was kind of funny. And by "dueling", I mean, Yu-gi-oh cards. lol. Yeah, I don't get it. After the event Stephanie and I just headed over to her place to start getting ready.

It was about 8:30 when we got to her place. Make-up, hair, clothes. I wore plain black skinny jeans and this white wife beater with sequins. Actually the top wasn't mine, it was Stephanie's. I didn't really feel satisfied with what I had planned on wearing, and I didn't get to go out and buy a top since it's nowhere in my budget to spend on clothes. I only brought $40 cash for the entire night and that was coming from the money I needed to pay for tuition =X 

Stephanie's god brother, Jarred, was our driver for the night and he waited on me and Steph as we were making some last minute touch ups in beautifying ourselves. We pregamed a little then headed out to go pick up Stephanie's brother Richard.

On the way to the bar we listened to slow jams. Which is not the greatest way to get ready for a crazy night of partying. But it was funny because Richard and Stephanie were singing along and really belting it out. lol Because of them, I felt a lot more comfortable about going out since I was kind of tense. I don't know why. I guess I haven't gotten used to being single yet.. Or maybe because I knew Tony was going to be there..

Yeah... more behind that story... I probably should've started this entry with what happened with Tony earlier on in the day. It was my last day at work, where Tony also works, so I was kind of relieved that I wasn't going to be forced to see my ex anymore. But at the same time I was feeling a little sad for exactly the same reason. I was a little sad, but I wasn't mopping around at work or anything like that, I was actually in a pretty good mood once I had arrived. It wasn't too busy either. My manager was acting nicer to me more than usual. I don't know why, but I always have to be drawn towards thinking negatively about it when he does that. Like, what's the catch here? Is he being nice just so I don't pull any bs on my last day of work or something? It's just that we don't really click on any level whatsoever. Maybe it's because he's my boss. But anyway, work was okay overall. I hadn't talked to Tony at all up until around noon where I found the right moment to just tap him and return to him the ring he gave me. I just gently tapped him on the arm and placed the box in his hand. He looked..shocked? and sad? I had customers so I just turned my attention away from him, but I could see from the corner of my eye that he was just standing there looking down at the box in his hand. Then he went out for a smoke.

When my manager sent me on my lunch break, Tony tried to talk to me again. He was like, "So I guess we're still not talking." I just looked at him and gave him an awkward smile. It was the last time I was going to see him (or so I thought), so I didn't want to end it off with hard feelings. We talked a little about Tiesto's concert last week. I kept it short, and just went out to eat my lunch. My coworker, who is this older Chinese lady, came and sat down with me. Her English is not very good, but we get along really well. She's just always in a good mood and seems so easy going. When I see her she's always laughing or smiling. I'm pretty sure she knew Tony and I had broken up so she tried to tell me her thoughts about it. In broken English, she tried telling me that even though Tony and I were not together, he was still a good guy and that I should just talk to him because he was unhappy. And she saw that I was unhappy too. And she said that since I won't be working there anymore "Leng zai" will be very sad. lol Leng zai is the nickname they gave Tony.

So for the rest of my shift, when Tony and I got the chance we talked a little. But it still felt a little weird. Then, nearing the end of my last shift, Tony told me he was going out with his friend Dong, and that they were going to AREA night club later in the night. All I said was okay. Should I have taken it as an invitation? He was just standing there, I guess waiting for a longer reply, to see if I would go too or not, but I didn't want to so all I said was okay.

When I signed out, it felt normal. I said goodbye to everyone, except that older Chinese lady, which I regret. She was in the back washing dishes but Tony was there too. Said bye to my manager, but it was bland. lol I don't know how else to describe it. It just wasn't thoughtful. Maybe because he had a feeling it wasn't going to be the last time I was going to see him or maybe even work for him....maybe I should stop making these stupid assumptions! lol

So, that was work. Tony and I talked. He told me he was going to be hanging at AREA. AND right after work when Stephanie called me to tell me the plans for the night, I was exceptionally happy that she said she wanted to go to AREA after the social. To be honest, I really wanted to hang out and party with Tony again, and end the night off with a *cough happy *cough ending. And yeah, just end off our whole relationship with just happy thoughts, and happy experiences.

At AREA

It was only about 11:00 when we got there so it wasn't really that packed, and it wasn't going to get anymore packed for the rest of the night, but the dance floor was nice and full. I danced with Vanessa and her friend, and occasionally there would be a guy who would want to dance with me, but I just kept scoping around and hoped to spot Tony. I was getting worried he wasn't going to show up so I sent him a text saying "Area's pretty fun right now." Lol, the slick and less confrontational way of saying, "Hey! are you coming here or what?"

I was so close to start dancing with a guy though until I saw Tony at the edge of the dace floor looking for me. He had a beer at hand, and the instant I saw him, he looked my way and ran to me~ and I ran to him~ and it was the perfect running towards each other in a meadow kind of scene~! Just kidding. No I just walked over to him and maybe he kept his eyes on me the whole time, and we just said hey. He was alone though since his friend didn't want to come anymore. We walked over to the bar and he bought me a drink. It was weird. We just looked at each other and kind of giggled like little freaks. lol Then he said he missed me, said I looked hot, blah blah blah... I was drunk, not falling over drunk, but pretty buzzed. So as I was looking at him all I wanted to do was kiss him. =X I eventually did, but I was too drunk to remember exact details. I might've made the first move but he was grabbing my waist and stuff already so yeah.. Funny because Tony was able to see the guys who were checking me out all night, and was saying "Wow, if I hadn't come, I bet you could score at least 5 guys tonight. And when I came and started holding your hand, I probably killed their dreams." Ahahha <- My reaction exactly. Actually, Jarred, Stephanie's god brother did look really struck when he saw me with Tony, and was in a pissy mood for the rest of the night. Stephanie text me today too telling me he was sad because I was no longer available.

The rest of the night was fun. I danced with Tony, drank with him. Hung out with my friends. Danced some more. Headed home with Stephanie and her exboyfriend(maybe boyfriend, it's complicated too with them). And topped it all off with a happy ending. Actually, 2 happy endings...and then some.

This morning I wasn't hungover. My mind was really clear. I no longer felt like I was going insane. A whole load of stress was lifted off my shoulders. Maybe Tony had something to do with that. But when I received a text from him calling me baby and wishing me a good morning, I felt like I was sucked back into our old routine. I remembered the faults in our relationship. And remembered how in the last few weeks I felt like I was moving on and worked exceptionally hard to forget about him. I was sad, but that's normal after a break up, and I was really making progress. But after last night I just threw all of my efforts out the window. And gave in.

Throughout today he tried calling me every few hours, but I kept my self busy and made excuses so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. I did end up talking to him when he was off work though. His whole family was over and he made me talk to his nieces like normal. I think it was his way of making me feel like I wanted to be with him again. But I came out clean and told him I needed space right now, and in the last few weeks I felt like I was really moving on. I told him last night was fun and that's all I wanted. Just to have fun. No commitment. I pretty much tried to say I wanted to just say friends, but not those actual words. He wanted to go out this Tuesday to give me a surprise, but I told him no. He asked me where I had found a new job, but I didn't tell him.

Lastly, I told him I needed to figure things out for myself. Focus on my responsibilities and on my parents and family. He asked me if my parents knew we broke up and I told him yes. He didn't tell his parents anything yet. If he did, I'm sure they would try to hook him up with a nice Chinese girl who would be perfect for him, not waste anymore time since he was nearing that age where a man must try and build some solid ground to support him and his future family.

After our talk he said he had to go and have dinner with his family. He said he'd call me back at night, and I said "It's up to you." =T He didn't call back and I'm not waiting on him.

That's what's going on. Poorly written but who cares, I'm just ranting here. And making note for future references.

I've just started watching How I Met Your Mother, and Season 1 episode 13 is by far the most romantic episode. :') It makes me feel so good inside.

It all just hit me now that I've really fucked myself over. I have no money saved and I recently quit my job. I'm still worried as to how I'm going to pay my bills. I'm going back to school on Monday and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. Probably going to have to ask my parents, and I don't really want to because I've never had to ask them for money before. They're dealing with a lot of financial constraints as well so I'll feel bad if I ask them. Tuition doesn't even cover book costs so that's another thing to worry about. Bus fare.

I've wasting so much time being all depressed this whole week and totally forgot about my duties.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go to school and see an advisor.

Sigh.

Thought this was rather interesting. After going through each of the questions it really helped me reconsider my morals as a Christian. I realized that I had drifted so much from my religious roots and just did what I felt like doing nowadays. After years of being under the guidance of strict parents and attending church almost every week, I felt I needed to experience things and rebel from my sheltered life now that I was older and had more freedom to make my own decisions.

But often these decisions were impulsive and lead me into situations where I wished I had given them more thought. And often regretted what I had done. I was pretty much trying to be someone else in order to have fun and really make up for what I had missed out on as a kid. Taking things to the extreme. Getting myself into things that were so unfamiliar to me that at times I couldn't handle it all and found myself alone and really lost.

After all that has happened, the things that I had done that people would probably hate me for, the goody good in me will always be there. I felt like I had lost my innocence, but I feel like she's still there knocking on my conscience every time I try to do something new and different. No matter what I get myself into, the mistakes I make now and in the near future, it's inevitable because I'm only human. And all I can really do is just learn from them and hope I won't repeat them again.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

She's awesome