My dad picked me up yesterday after work. I was already pretty stressed since I made a mistake closing and realized that I had been late for work for almost every shift. 

My co-worker also made fun of me and hit a sensitive topic so it kind of made me unhappy and not want to talk to him.

And while I was walking in the airport I think I might've seen a person I used to work with who lost his job because of the incident that happened during the summer. Seeing him made me feel really sick and uncomfortable..

My co-worker, who is a boy, waited with me while I waited for my dad to pick me up. When my dad came, my dad saw I was with him, and I know for sure that my dad was probably angry since he's so....protective. But my dad never just says the real reason why he's angry with me, he likes to use a different excuse and gets mad at me for that when really it's about something else....confusing? yes, it was confusing for me too, but since I had been living with my dad for 21 years I kind of know how to read his actions now. 

It was just so annoying and I felt overwhelmed with stress when my dad just went on and on about an odd sound the car was making and was blaming me for it. Saying that I don't take care of the car. This went on until we got home. 

the reason why he's mad because of the boy he saw I was with is because when I got in the car he kept giving my co-worker the evil eye and didn't even ask me who he was, if he was a co-worker or what. Just went straight to the cars broken, it's your fault, it's going to be a fortune to get it fixed. I remember my dad calling me a retarded bitch once but not in english, in our mother tongue and I was really shocked and hurt by that. He....I don't know. I don't even want to talk to him anymore for a while. 

Ok, I just woke up suddenly since my parents just got home. It's 12:40am right now and I fell asleep at about 11:30. I was really exhausted and just fell right to sleep. 

But when I woke up from my parents' noisiness I woke up all confused and disoriented. I didn't know where I was or what was going on. I think I was in the middle of a dream and just woke up and couldn't make sense of what I was hearing, seeing, sensing. It was weird. I haven't felt like that since I was experiencing anxiety issues. 

Hopefully right now it's just from disrupted sleep. But I really felt confused.. felt like I was going to hurl too. what the heck. might be the fact that I only ate a bowl of cereal and a multivitamin supplement for dinner. yeah. agh. feeling ill now. gotta chill out. kinda scared to go back to sleep.

Wow, I don't feel the Christmas spirit at all this year. I bought more than enough presents than I've ever bought for Christmas and they're all stacked up in my room ready to be ripped to shreds for tomorrow night. But still. Nothing. I'm just so damn exhausted physically and mentally. Working tomorrow, Christmas day, boxing day, the day after that, and after that, then Thursday come and I'm off! I don't have work but I do have to work on an assignment that is worth extra marks and is due for Friday. Then I work New Years Eve until 9 p.m. and I don't even know where I'm going to celebrate. AND there's no snow this year. Big bummer. Well, there is snow. Just a little bit. It's rather chilly too but here in my city we're supposed to be having snow knee deep and freezing our butts off in 40 below weather (that's in Celcius). It just doesn't feel right not having snowed in conditions.

I guess I'm just too preoccupied with work. And with other things...

What's also been putting me down and is beginning to frustrate me is that guy from work. He just can't seem to take the the hint that I'm not interested in him. Well, I've grown to like him a bit more after talking to him but I can't say I want to start anything with him. First of all, I'd been warned by people a many of the different schemes guys from his area have played on people in the past. And that they're all really tight with each other. The men, women, married, unmarried. They're all interconnected in one way or another and it's just really disgusting. 

I can't feel peace and goodness is all I'm trying to say. I've been smoking a lot more and drinking whenever I feel like it. I'm broke. I'm tired. I haven't gone to church in a long while. Church plays a pretty big role in my well being actually. I don't like to say or be perceived as a religious person, but when I do take the time out of my Sunday mornings and just head over to church and listen to the sermon, I feel really invigorated and renewed. My mind is at peace. Church is actually what keeps me sane which is ironic since I believe religion has to do with a lot of the insanity going in this world. But yeah, I don't take things to a literal extreme and just incorporate what I learn from church into my daily life and with my own common sense. Then I feel a bit better about myself and everything else.

Sweet deals!

Wow my cousins boyfriend hasn't even been in Canada for 24 hours and they've already started fighting.

=

had some drinks with them after we bought a few stuff at the market. Watched the Jets hockey game. They lost. We played billiards. I thought things were going okay with the two of them since they seemed to be having fun, but then I guess I missed something and they started fighting. Actually I think I know why. But yeah it's pretty upsetting. They just reunited after two years of not seeing each other and jealousy issues are getting in the way of things. They didn't start yelling and stuff at each other but I felt the tension...and when we got back home and I was done washing up my cousins boyfriend went outside. I checked on my cousin and she was under her covers crying...I tried to talk to her but she didn't budge so I just left her. Anyway, her boyfriend came back in and I asked him if he was going somewhere, and he said no and not to worry about anything so I hope they settle whatever they're dealing with. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better for them. They're getting married in January. Like, really he's just going to be here for three weeks and heading back to L.A. They shouldn't be fighting like this.

Anyway, it's not really my business but I hope they just be happy. They were so in love and everything yesterday at the airport. And now it's like....sigh. relationships. 

Reason why I'm single! jk. I'm just not patient and understanding enough at the moment. 

My ex sent me a text again tonight. He wanted to see me but I told him no. He asked me if I didn't want to see him anymore an I told him I was really busy. Then I invited him to come drink with me and my cousin since my cousin told me to invite him. But he didn't message me back. Whatever. I don't care all that much. I'm kinda drunk right now and just want to sleep.

Good night.

Wow. I was in the middle of typing up a blog when my mac suddenly died. I guess it wasn't meant to be posted.

I basically had this:

Had coffee with that guy from the airport. He caught me studying. We talked about books and weird sci-fi stuff. I was a tad bit nervous but then I thought to myself, "What am I being all nervous for? It's not like I like him." So I stopped being nervous and talked about nerdy stuff that probably didn't interest him all that much. It was short and I'm pretty sure he found me boring but it's okay.  

My second cousin on my father's side called my house today. She's closer to my mother's age so I don't really see her as a cousin but more of an aunt. I didn't catch what they were talking about since I just got home from work and caught them at the end of their conversation. Turns out that her husband flew back to the Philippines and hasn't called or messaged her in three weeks.

He lost his job here and lost his license because he drove home drunk from a pub. It's been 3-4 years since then. I'm pretty sure he had been depressed for quite some time. Was constantly drinking and just stayed in the house usually.

It was two summers ago when my dad and I were just in our back yard having some beer when he came over unexpectedly. He talked to my dad since he couldn't talk to anyone else. The other men in our family wouldn't have understood where he was coming from if he had gone to them. I guess it's because he knew my dad wouldn't judge him. I didn't really listen in on what they were talking about at the time. He meant to talk to my dad so I just sort of played with a ball or something but I still continued to drink my beer outside. He was depressed though and I think he was asking way too many questions that shouldn't have even been asked. He just didn't know what to do with his life. 

When my mom told my dad that no one has heard from my cousins husband in three weeks my dad sort of got quiet and had this vacant look on his face. Then he just snapped back to reality and realized I was home. I asked him what happened. And he looked really concerned. My dad usually shrugs things off and doesn't give anything a second thought. But this time it was different. 

I hope he's okay.

makes me wish there were only women in the world. 

Since Friday, that guy from work has kept talking to me every time he caught me working alone at my store. 
The more we talked the more it seemed his being nice and understanding was all just a front. 
He kept asking me what I was doing after work. He kept urging me to text him.
At first he was like "oh, I'm not trying to pressure you or anything."
but now he's being quite persistent.. and I feel a bit bothered it. 

Today, I asked some of my seniors at work what they knew about him. None of them liked him. They said he was trouble. 
That's what the Asian adults said anyway. The other adults said I should just see what he's like first before I make any sort of judgements.
I'll go and have coffee with him. But I don't want to lead him on. 
I'm a nice girl. Sometimes too nice. And guys often think I'm interested in them when I'm not. They tend to misinterpret things. 

Last night I met up with my ex. After only a month of not seeing eachother.
It was okay. I was all smiley when I first saw him just because I thought it was amusing.
I first intended on making the meeting all serious but I couldn't keep a straight face. 
He tried to hold my hand and told me a bunch of sappy stuff that I didn't want to hear. 
I think he's taking the whole break up harder than I am. I don't want to go back with him.
And now I'm beginning to think our meeting wasn't a very good idea.

I don't miss him. After last night, I don't feel like seeing him again anytime soon. 
But he sent me a text tonight. I don't feel obligated to text him back. Or want to see him. 
Last night was just another night for me. But with him, it was like he was taking me back as his girl friend.

I can't talk to these guys anymore.