April 18, 2011
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Rant aka Mental Explosion #1
All the things that have been going on with me right now have not been recorded in anyway so far and have just been shared with the people who are close and dear to me. I feel I should probably include it here on Xanga with all of my other life experiences but this is still in the process of resolving itself so it isn't the right time yet. I just feel so overwhelmed with all the thinking. I think so much about everything now it's making me worried that I might be going crazy. I want to blame the drugs, but a part of me is telling me that I've just become too needy of a person because of this relationship. I became the paranoid psycho girlfriend that I feared of becoming. I really need to chill out. Always feeling agitated too by small things. I'm just so exhausted and frustrated. It's like my head is being suffocated and it can't just take in a deep breath and chill.
I should've known that this relationship wasn't good from the start. Too many differences and it all happened too fast too soon. We fought like an old couple with Alzheimer's. It just doesn't make any sense sometimes and fights shouldn't have been fought.
I talked to Olivia, Melissa, Stephanie, and my Cousin about everything. And all of them say I should just move on because I'm obviously really unhappy and stressed out to the max.
But being away from him is stressing me out too. I feel like I can't do anything on my own anymore since I was so used to him doing stuff for me/with me. It's so much the opposite of how I was before the relationship. I used to be so independent and really care free about life and was always so positive. For example, I fail a test "Meh, that sucks but I'll do better next time." Now: "OMG I failed my quiz! I'll never be able to get into my program now!..I need A's A's A's!!" *sigh*
So much pressure from school, him, his family, my family, myself into being the best I can be. But I'm trying so hard to be the best that I feel I'm losing myself in the process. So much to consider.
Just ship me to a tropical island so I can just relax...catch some rays...vitamin D to help perk up my mood...Anything to make me feel at peace with my self again.
Inhale...exhale....Things will be okay. I'm turning 21 tomorrow. Going to be embarking on a new journey. Just another stage in life that is about to end, another one about to start. Staying positive.
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